Mum,
If I am completely honest, if you asked me in the morning if I was writing to you, I would say no. But here I am, it’s already past 6 pm, and I am writing to you on my journal, partially to put this on my blog. I want to remember you for a long time and I am not leaving any spaces I can tuck you into, as a part of my memories, mum. I love you so very much!
I watched a movie today called “Three Of Us”, which is about a middle-aged women named Shailaja diagnosed with early onset of dementia, who visits her hometown (roots) where she comes together with her buried memories and a former friend, unpacking her unresolved emotions with her past. The movie has nothing to do about you, me or our relationship but somehow, I find you in all my experiences. Maybe, this is my way of being together with you.
One of the core symptoms of dementia is “loss of memory, particularly remembering recent events and gradually the past memories”. Almost at the end of the movie, there was a scene where Shailaja, after a phone-call with their son Bharat, asks her husband, “What if I forget Bharat?”, that was a core scene, which took me back to the last days, when you were still here.
“Typhoid fever” is something I dread till date. When the typhoid fever didn’t come down for two weeks, being hospitalized in Fishtail Hospital, you insisted to be discharged and go home, but on that day, you gradually started showing severe symptoms as the typhoid fever manifested into slurred speech, losing control over muscle movements and even scarier, the loss of memory. I think, as a teenager, who was extremely proud of my mother’s wit and verbal intelligence, it put me on a shock, to see that my mother was deprived of every ounce of her identity that made her remarkable. For every child, her mother is an icon and it broke my heart to accept that you were going through this.
Sometimes, I wonder whether you knew that you were losing your memories, if you knew you were struggling to recognize us. I feel you knew but I wish you didn’t. The pain in Shailaja’s eyes is something that hurt my heart, to know that you were in as much pain as she did. Do you remember, when you left for Syangja for grandmom’s funeral and in 5 days, you sent a text that you missed us? I don’t think I have ever felt loved at such a larger intensity in my entire life. I wanted to feel loved like that, for longer.
The images are indistinct now but even in your last moments, I was holding your cold hands and I didn’t know you had left by. I am always mad at all the adults for not telling me that you had left at that moment. I was an elder kid and supposed to take care of my little sister but as an individual, I think I still deserved to know. I deserved to say good-bye as much as my little sister who was just 15 years old. I have replayed that day over so many times and I am still mad at everyone, for not letting us know till evening. We love you so much.
Remembering you through these fictional characters of movies, must be one of the ways of grieving for you, mum. I would have loved to watch “Two Of Us” with you mum, like we watched “Taare Zameen Par” and “Baghban”, Kirti still making fun of us for crying to movies. Sometimes I think, we would have so much in common if you were still here. I listen to Narayan Gopal and even cultural Magar jhorra now, that I am growing old. I have changed so much after you left and the other times, I keep on thinking about how I would be as an individual if you were still here.
Yours not-so-obedient but loving daughter
Bhumika.
Bhumika Saru Magar 