As long as I remember, I have been a very sensitive person since childhood. I am extremely inquisitive, observant and exuberant but I am also temperamental and too receptive of the environment. Therefore, I always found myself struggling with managing my thoughts and emotions. I am usually vulnerable, especially when I am feeling negative emotions. However, the emotion I struggled with the most was anger. Maybe it was because the expression of anger could be violent or destructive, I had a difficult time mending my relationships due to the same reason.
My anger stemmed from my low self-esteem and frustration of always having to prove that I am worthy of something. I was raised in strict parenting and I was always under constant restrictions and high expectations from my parents to perform better in academics. The academic pressure and the efforts to fit in with my peers didn’t go hand in hand and I turned into a bitter person. I was ashamed of being a hot-headed person. I used to question myself why I was the only one who couldn’t control my anger when everyone else was doing fine. I didn’t like that I yelled at a friend or slammed the door to my room. I didn’t like talking back to my parents or bumming my sister. I feared my anger and at one point, I knew my emotions were not under my control and I seriously needed to do something because I had sabotaged almost all of my relationships. It was when I came across Carl Jung and his shadow theory that I actually started working on myself. Jung states that, “Everyone carries a shadow and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” I had always repressed my traumas and desires to protect myself from feeling the pain and discomfort but until I face them and deal with it, I would still stay in the shrouded place of my mind. I even thought anger was bad and how perfect it would be if I never felt angry. I was ashamed of feeling so many emotions that no matter how much I tried to suppress it, they sprang back to me, in even more unhealthy ways.
I remember the day, I affirmed for the first time in my life that feeling the emotion of anger was not bad. I told myself, “Anger is a natural emotion.” I cannot explain how comforting it was to be able to come to terms with feeling and owning up to my own emotions, especially when your emotions were invalidated all your life. Sometimes, I wonder how amazing it would have been if I was taught about emotions. I had wished there was someone who could tell me that my emotions were actually valid, however, I could learn to express them in a healthier way. I struggled all my teen years feeling guilty about expressing myself. The more I accepted my thoughts and emotions, the more I was able to set myself free from all the barriers I laid for myself. I remember, at the beginning, I started by taking time-outs, whenever I felt angry. I stayed away from the triggers until I calmed myself down. I usually couldn’t comprehend the words I said to others in anger. So, I thought it was wiser to have a conversation when I have calmed down to refrain from instigating more conflicts. I often practise breathing exercises to slow down my breathing. It really helps to cool off my head when I am outraged. However, journaling has been the most beneficial outlet for me throughout my journey of unlearning and learning to take care of myself. It is both fun and creative and helps me keep track of my thoughts and emotions and make me reflect on them. I have been able to manage my anger well and I have been proud of myself.
We all have our own share of experiences but confronting my traumas and fears has been the most empowering experience so far. When I look back to my past and my present, I become nothing but grateful for how far I have come in my life. I am still not perfect. I still have bad days where I lose it or make mistakes but I choose to learn from them and be accountable for my behaviours. I guess I got better at taming my most feared demon i.e Anger. I hope we all can learn everyday by taking better care of ourselves.
Picture credits: http://shockfactor.de/blog/
Bhumika Saru Magar 